Hold Me Accountable, Internet
This is a social contract, everyone. I need accountability and since I’m an obviously sane person, I’m trusting that my INTERNET FRIENDS hold me so. Too often I find myself screaming at the sky, cursing God and the Flying Spaghetti Monster for throwing the Coca-Cola bottle that is suffering down into my life, knowing damn well that I sometimes — even DELIBERATELY — go to the store MYSELF, buy that Coca-Cola bottle, and bring it into my existence.
My life lacks structure. It lacks a routine. Unless you consider getting up (hopefully) sometime before noon but after ten a routine, no routine exists. I don’t even have an Instagram posting schedule, which is almost sacrilege considering my REAL-LIFE JOB (modeling) THAT I DO HAVE. My eating habits are easily reflective of the deprivation I had during my childhood. Fruit snacks lived at other kids’ houses, but now live under my bed in case I need a late-night snacky because I AM A GAHDAMN ADULT. I love veggies and fruit, but sometimes a girl just wants to eat Taco Bell, so I have an unspoken competition with my roommate to see how long her uneaten broccoli from Trader Joe’s can outlast my uneaten broccoli from Von’s (she’s going to lose). I don’t cook because I don’t like cooking, but I feel like I’m missing out on an integral part of life and like, what if I have kids someday? It’s probably child abuse to chain-feed them gushers and powdered donuts even though it’s fucking awesome and they’d love me above all else.
You guys, I need to make some changes. I need to get my shit together. And I guess admitting it is the first step. Yes, it’s hilarious, I know. I have an extensive collection of sweatpants and know the exact time to set a microwave for a hot pocket not to burn on its edges but also not to be an ice cube in the middle. Look, I’m living my 8thgrade self’s dream. But my 8thgrade self had her shit together. She got straight As and thought about college. LOL. That little girl wanted my life so badly, but she also developed an entire renewable energy system, so what the hell happened?
What happened was an unstructured lifestyle. I like staying up late because I grew up in a loud and lively household. Nighttime was the only time to get some quiet and it allowed me to read and write and feel all the feelings. Even now it is 3:04 am and I’m writing this, which is honestly a better use of time than… I don’t know… picking my butt? BUT I should probably be sleeping so that I can wake up tomorrow at a reasonable time and function like an honest and productive adult (ew, what’s THAT?). The only excuse I have is that tomorrow is Saturday, but dang, I’m like, sleeping real life hours away.
I did go to college. But then I moved all over the world, further throwing me into an unstructured lifestyle. I’ve defended this in the past, saying it was merely *differently* structured, but sometimes I’m way full of shit and if that isn’t self-awareness then I don’t know what is. I was modeling in Australia, but I was pulled off castings (meaning I was sent home to lose some weight) and legitimately spent my days being a lizard on a rock, reading books and sun burning instead of losing the weight. WHOOPS.
This indirection or misdirection or complete lack of direction has spilled into other parts of my life. I mean, I don’t know that for sure, but I’m definitely going to take the blame. Money is slow. My mind is muddled. And don’t even get me started on dating.
So, HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! AND SAYO-FUCKING-NARA, 2019. This past year has got me more off my rocker than any year prior (and don’t I say this EVERY SINGLE YEAR?) I mean, my family has gone THROUGH it. A lot of that I can’t change. I can’t change other people. But I can change myself. And while most days I think I’m flawless, ALLLLLLLL the other days… I KNOW I’m not.
I’m delving straight into resolutions. I’m taking myself seriously this time. And I want all of you out there in the tubes of the internet to take me seriously, too.
This means ROUTINE. This means STRUCTURE. This means less negative self-talk. It means walking straighter and taller with resolute conviction in who I am as a person. I’m going to drink less Red Bull. I’m going to go to bed at a reasonable time and wake up at a reasonable time. I’m going to get shit done. I’m going to eat more veggies and less Taco Bell (ok, I’m getting carried away).
And maybe this is all an experiment. And yes, my humanity will get in the way. I am flawed. I’m so incredibly flawed, but I’m going to make a genuine effort to be better. At all things. Or some things. Or simply being a better person.
What set this off? To my surprise (and when you read this, probably to your surprise, too) … Jordan Peterson. As much as he’s been painted in bad light, this quote struck a nerve:
“You’re not who you could be. And who you could be is worthwhile.”
Oh shit.
Yes, she is. Yes, I am. It’s time.
