I don’t give a shit where you went to college, sis. Am I your LinkedIn profile? NO.
I’m beyond exhausted of having to defend my post-secondary education decisions. Do you know how old I was when I chose what college I was going to? SEVENTEEN. At that age, I also thought my ex-boyfriend would become my husband (LOL), Trump would never be president (UGH), and that Marc by Marc Jacobs was the pinnacle of fashion (I might still think this, to be honest). I was a MORON, you guys. No one has this shit figured out and let me be the bajillionth person to say that there is NO WAY IN HELL a 17-year-old does. I still wore pads back then… PADS.
My parents went to college back in the 1960s and 1970s. They hadn’t the slightest clue how to help me apply to anywhere, so I relied on my own self (dumb) and a high school counselor who always tried to get me to join the military (really dumb). I ended up at a small college in southern Oregon, which was easily one of the worst mistakes of my LIFE, but I got my best friend out of it, so I consider it a wash. After a year in that shithole, I transferred to the university in my hometown and I was HUMBLED.
Like many of my sad internet friends out there, I was a precocious little shit back in the day. Resting on my laurels is pretty much the modern-day equivalent to having an uncle who used to be good at *enter sport here* and he could’ve gone somewhere if *enter damaging occurrence here* never happened. I was told I was special. I was told I was gifted. I was even SENT to another school for genius burgers just to bolster my already inflated ego. I knew I was smart then and I know I’m smart now, but my GPA said I was lazy as all hell and it was not wrong. There was a lot of pressure and coupling that pressure with an apathy that comes from not being challenged means stagnation in the worst way. I was complicit and complacent in my own journey. YIKES.
After transferring to my hometown university, I didn’t throw myself into school in the slightest. In fact, the opposite occurred. I fell into a severe depression and panic and while I was paying out the ass to go there, I rarely showed up for class. I knew people that were in the IVY LEAGUE, bro. What the fuck had happened to me? And look, they were asking that, too. The people who gloat about their university now are the same people who did it back then. And I’m old, DUDE. My 10-year class reunion is creeping up (and NO, I’m not going) and these people are still chirping on about the college days.
Am I envious? Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Good Will Hunting enough times to know that some of you are full of shit. Yes, YOU’RE THE PONYTAIL GUY. And sure, my kids might be serving your kids French fries or whatever, but they won’t be insufferable.
It took me six YEARS to finish college. In that time, I moved all over the world. I saw an international MODELING CAREER (oh, double THREAT!) through. And I met some of the wisest, most brilliant people who were blazing their own paths. Some of them didn’t even finish college. Some of them went to community college. And some are pumping turds out of clogged toilets and raking in MAD dough while others are chipping away at the interest accruing on their ill-advised student loans.
LinkedIn gives me anxiety the same way running into an asshole from high school at the local dive over Christmas break does. I don’t want to read your lies and condescension any more than I want to hear them. If there was a ripcord, it would’ve been pulled before you locked eyes on me and sauntered over with your craft beer.
I’m all for pride in accomplishments. One time I made myself a trophy for “Staying Alive and Taking Care of My People”. But when you degrade someone based off a decision they made while they were barely sprouting armpit hair OR at like, any point in their life, you’re kind of the worst. I don’t give a shit where you went to college.
