I’m Pretty Sure the FBI Agent Watching Me Through My Webcam is Over My Bullsh*t
The FBI agent assigned to my laptop must be tired of my sad ass. I can only imagine the sigh this homie releases when wearing into that front row seat of my double chin and my opening of iTunes like, “damn, this broad is REALLY watching ‘Lost in Translation’ again?!” And the answer is fuck yes because I paid for this masterpiece and I still think — nay, BELIEVE — I’m Scarlett Johansen and no one can convince me otherwise, ok, SECRET AGENT MAN?
And because I’m such a righteous and honest person (JK it’s because I’m deathly afraid of getting a virus and watching my laptop explode), I never illegally download movies. That being said, Apple has received many pretty pennies on the account of my ass. And yeah, I KNOW streaming services exist, but I’m impatient and spending money I don’t have just to not watch Hulu commercials (even though I refuse to pay for premium because fuck all that) is apparently way too satisfying to stop.
Without further ado, I present to you my iTunes movie library provided to you by Wells Fargo overdraft fees and the feelings brought on by that asshole, Jacob, who broke my damn heart.
About Time (2013)
I want to be Rachel McAdams. I also want to time travel. This movie has both. It also has Margot Robbie, who I was once told I was prettier than before I laughed my ass off while walking away from some dude at a bar.
August Osage County (2013)
Sometimes I like watching Russian car accidents on YouTube because they’re FUCKING CRAZY. This movie is like a Russian car accident.
Big Fish (2003)
This movie is pure magic and makes me really love my dad. Billy Crudup is hot in it. And bonus points for a young Miley Cyrus cameo.
Blue Is The Warmest Color (2013)
This movie has the best spaghetti scenes (and sex scenes, tbh) to date.
Bridesmaids (2011)
I don’t even need to explain this shit, but I’m going to. A female powered cast? A diarrhea in the street scene? Bleaching buttholes? Civil rights? COUNT ME IN. Count me all the way in.
Brooklyn (2015)
I have loved Saoirse Ronan since she ruined my husband, James McAvoy’s life in Atonement. This is one of the only movies I consider to be a true coming of age in your 20s story (WHICH WE NEED MORE OF). It is full of hard truths and I want to date a Tony so damn badly.
Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Armie Hammer ALONE is enough to make this movie worth watching several dozen times, but sprinkle in a Timothee Chalamet and “Love My Way” on repeat and it is a cinematic GIFT to the earth.
Celeste and Jesse Forever (2012)
Rashida Jones’ character is unbearable, but exhibits all of the characteristics I find annoying within myself. I can’t look away. After chugging ranch, she drunkenly passes out on a pool float. Girl, same.
Dead Poets Society (1989)
Nothing better than Robin Williams telling us art is worth it. And Eric Foreman’s dad is an asshole in this one, too.
The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
“Are you wearing the — “ “Chanel boots? Yes, I am.” This movie is the gift that keeps on giving. That’s all.
The Edge of Seventeen (2016)
One of the only movies that accurately displays anxiety. This movie also gives me hope that boys jump up and down and are excitable when girls agree to hang out (though I doubt that shit otherwise).
Eighth Grade (2018)
This movie is visceral. It literally transports you back to the hell that was middle school and you’ll be in excruciating pain wanting to hug Kayla, but not being able to. Also, the music when the hot kid walks had me DYING. I was deceased.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Sometimes exes are the goddamn devil.
Frozen (2013)
I was once a nanny. It was a dark time. This movie is cute, but I should delete it. What the hell?
Going the Distance (2010)
Justin Long is SO underrated.
How To Be Single (2016)
Uh, this isn’t the guide I needed, but it does hit some good points. Also Rebel Wilson going through men like their water is the kind of female empowerment I can get behind.
I Feel Pretty (2018)
People said this movie was problematic. You know what’s problematic? PEOPLE. I love Amy Schumer and I will buy anything she’s in. NOT EVEN SORRY ABOUT IT.
Like Crazy (2011)
I’m not saying it’s the best love movie of all time, but it’s the best love movie of all time. RIP Anton Yelchin. (I lowkey can’t watch it anymore because it makes me cry.)
Lost in Translation (2003)
Bill Murray. Scarlett Johansen. This movie has gotten me through some of the worst times in my life (WHY DON’T YOU YANK ME OUT NOW, SOFIA COPPOLA?!). Lip my stocking.
Manchester By The Sea (2016)
Ugh, my freaking haht (heart). This Massachusetts set drama KILLS me.
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Nora Ephron is the sole reason I have unrealistic standards for all men. They meet on Valentine’s Day at the top of the Empire State Building? It’s bullshit, but it’s like CRACK to my heart. Give me ALL the Nora Ephron. She can do no wrong.
The Notebook (2004)
The only love story that mattered to my preteen soul. It still holds a solid place in my being. And Rachel McAdams again.
Trainwreck (2015)
I think this is my dream situation. A man who is nice? Ew, why? What does he want? Oh, to love me? OKAY, I’M IN.
Tully (2018)
Birth control. And the screenplay is fucking incredible.
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
THIS MOVIE NEVER GETS OLD. I stan/ship/whatever a hot as hell, young Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan any damn day of the week.
You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Ok, I kind of lied. I stan/ship/whatever a hot as hell, young Meg Ryan any damn day of the week. Also, when is this going to happen to me? My dad is an auctioneer, so can like, Sotheby’s sexy grandson come ruin my family business or nah? I need to make out in Central Park like YESTERDAY.
