In Search of Me

I am not for everybody. I know that. When I was younger, I tried to be all things to all people and practice diplomacy whenever I found myself in a situation that had multiple sides. While this isn’t a bad thing to implement, it got my ass in a lot of trouble. I became duplicitous and didn’t feel honest with myself and my own convictions. Small things at first, like not liking lasagna and pretending I did — and then big things, like standing silent while boys ripped apart the girls in class for wearing skirts that they deemed too short.

Forget all that.

This made me complacent. It made me feel phony and uncomfortable and led me to situations I otherwise would NOT have been in had I felt like I could just be myself and not live to people please.

Today, I find myself asking, “Who am I? What do I believe? What am I going to stand up for?” And the answers: “Myself. In Myself. For myself.” And whatever deeply held beliefs those might be. Aaron Rodgers IS a better quarterback than Tom Brady. Circus peanuts ARE delicious. And my dog IS the cutest dog in the world. You won’t scare me into submission, Random People On The Internet I Do Not Live For!

The more I reach out into the world, the more I feel like I have to appease people. I’m constantly met with scrutiny and cruelty and despite whatever praises and glory I might get, the scrutiny and cruelty always stand out more, like they’re emboldened and bright yellow and every other word is tiny and disappears into the background of a screen. IT CAN BE REALLY HARD TO BOUNCE BACK FROM THAT.

I’ve become block button happy. I have learned to curate my own feeds and friends lists, both online and in real life. I don’t need to know what you think about me nor do I have to subject myself to your torment. Furthermore, there is absolutely no need for me to convince you that I am different than what you think I am. Your mind is made up and now you are blocked. I don’t have the energy to be your therapist and unravel whatever makes you think your opinion of me is the truth above how I actually am or who I know myself to be.

This goes for all of us. We’ve all been haters at one point or another, dealing with our own insecurity and boredom. And look, we all have the block button. We all have to power to curate our own lives and fill them with people who love us, are kind to us, and occasionally call us out on our bullshit in a CONSTRUCTIVE WAY. You can also block people you find yourself hating because maybe that is playing into your insecurity and you shouldn’t subject yourself to that, either.

I deal with enough annoying shit in my actual life. I can’t block the person who cut me off in traffic. I can’t thrust into technological oblivion the dude who whistled at me while I was walking down the street. What I CAN DO is build an internet sepulcher for the woman who keeps telling me my writing is garbage or the man who calls me a “slut” every time I post a picture but still continues to follow my every move. NOT ANYMORE, @BRADDAD69, because YOU ARE BLOCKED.

There in entire show on E! that follows the lives of pretty people who do much cooler things than the rest of us and here people are, keeping up with YOU.

I tried being friends with everyone and playing both sides of the fence. In this polarized time in our world’s history, this can’t be the case. There is always going to be someone out there hating your shit. Be you a librarian or go kart mechanic, someone is going to be hating on you. Honestly, its none of your business. So, block them. You don’t need that.

I just want to be me and I’m not for everyone. Neither are you. No one ever said we had to be.